And the Greatest of these is Love~

 

Wrapping up February’s focus on love, I thought about how powerful that four letter word is. And how the meaning and truth of the word love can become twisted and defiled. I really wanted to write an amazing poem and had more of a miss than a hit with doing so. But what I want to impart is so important that I fear the message gets lost in too much explanation. I even thought about how in a court of law the evidence is what matters and I know I’am the evidence. But that is hard for people to grasp  because you would have had to known me and how my life began and where I am now.  My first real understanding of what love meant was after I read 1 Corinthians 13…It blew my mind. I won’t write it all out but here is a paraphrase: Love is Kind, Love is Patient, Love is not Proud, Love is not Rud Love is not Selfish or Self Seeking, Love Forgives, No matter what you do, how much money you have or give if you don’t Love..it means nothing (Wow)  ….Love Faith and Hope and the Greatest of these is Love. This is my favorite chapter in the Bible. I feel like it changed my life. I never really knew love, or how to love before getting that word in my heart.  I can assure you My life is the evidence of God’s amazing Love.

Here is a fun, interesting tangible experiment you can do that will bless you and others too:

The Five Minute Love Miracle:

In 2007 I read about something called the five minute love miracle and it was a pretty simple concept. Set a timer for five minutes and think of feeling love ie…what makes you stirred up with feelings of love? For me, my babies, Grandmother, friends…Get that feeling built up and then if there is a person or situation that is troubling you think of it surrounded with love…you can see a pink or white light as love and then you see you and that person smiling, hugging etc..or the situation resolving in a loving way. I was dealing with a lot of stuff and thought why not give it a try. I started with my teenagers, my husband, even other people and situations..and every time there was a positive outcome.

It Works !

It makes sense to me that practicing the Love Miracle works because GOD is Love and it feels like a more effectual way of practicing the presence of GOD, sort of like a prayer of the imagination.  Try it and see if it helps you to feel a deeper calm and more love too.

Love heals every wound and heartache. Happy end of February …

All My Love To You~~

 

 

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Healing the Broken Heart

 

I want to share how GOD was faithful to His word to me..

Remember that I shared in my last post how I heard GOD tell me, He would help me? I know he spoke those exact words to me on purpose so that when the time came when I was desperate and knew I could not change on my own, that I would recall exactly what He said to me.

Several days after I had heard GOD I had already reached that point of desperation.  The nightmares were back with a vengeance,  and so was the insomnia I had struggled with since I was a child. I had learned how to self medicate by taking some form of methamphetamine during the day and using alcohol and marijuana to sleep at night. But since I truly believed that I had to choose life or death after I heard from GOD, I realized that somewhere deep within me, I did want to live even though I had been living for a very long time like I didn’t.

I gave up everything, drugs, alcohol all of it at once and I was dealing with the affect of withdrawing from all of those chemicals. But my problem was not just chemical, mental, and physical withdrawal.  I had been drawn into the occult and new age too and I believe the enemy was fighting to keep me entangled in that world. And his major assault was a war against my mind. I could not sleep. I was afraid and desperate, and literally cried out, “You said you would help me and I need help.” I heard one word in response,

“BIBLE.”

Great I didn’t have one but I lived with my Grandmother so I asked her if she had a Bible and she said yes that it was in her sewing room. I was desperate enough to take on the challenge of digging through boxes of  a great accumulation of fabric, yarn, and stuff until I found a black leather King James Version. I took it to my room. I opened it up to Genesis One and began to read.  Somewhere in those first few chapters I fell a sleep.

Here is a miracle moment.

That was the first time in my life I remember falling asleep without some kind of substance in my system, or waking up all through the night as I did when I was child, filled with fear, or having a nightmare. The first time I actually slept! It was such a small normal thing for most people. But for me, sleep was on the level of miraculous.  I know I didn’t really “get ” what I was reading, I wasn’t memorizing or retaining the importance of the words.  But there is power in the Word and that much I got loud and clear.

The words in Matthew 11:28 are true:

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  

Before GOD could  begin any redemptive work in me,  He showed me that I could trust Him. That is the first thing the enemy destroys and that was the first area of my life GOD restored.  That didn’t mean all my trust issues with people were healed by no means. But I did have a sliver of Faith and I knew what GOD said, He would do.

I was a mess, drugs, anger, self centered ego driven, and I carried a deep hate for myself, steeped in shame. But GOD in his infinite grace lifted me gently step by step, day by day out of the pit I was born into and gave me a hope for a better future. And when I struggled, which I did time and time again, and cried to GOD in frustration and despair that I would never be like the women I met at church, or be good enough, GOD assured me that he was changing me from the inside out. That is where He starts, at the heart of who we are.

Because we are created with a  Spirit, Soul and Body, GOD starts with our spirit,  restores our soul which is our mind and emotions and that in turn affects our body, outward actions and appearance.

It is not by accident that the enemy uses those closest to us, family, friends etc, as tools to exact his plan of destruction upon us while we are young and the most pliable. His first plan of action is to destroy any trust we have in people, and that in turn causes us not to trust those who say they love us or in the emotion described as love. He truly wants us to hate and misunderstand the word love. Why?

Because GOD is LOVE ! There it is ..if you mistrust anyone who says they love you then you will grow up not trusting in a GOD who is LOVE

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The Broken Hearted

 

 

The quickest way to destroy a person is to begin at birth. Reject them completely and make sure they feel and know (mind and emotions) that they are unwanted and unlovable. Then proceed to hammer in those beliefs by verbal, physical and mental abuse. Really set them up by not hugging them, laughing with them or encouraging them in any way. Be sure and hit them in front of other people as often as possible.  Be sure and tear down every dream and hope of being included and any feelings of being good enough. Then of course tell them “I love you”, so they will attribute love and pain as one and the same. Then you can be sure that when they grow up they will attract others who say “I love you” and then physically, mentally, and verbally abuse them as well. Because you have done your job so thoroughly they will learn to hate the word LOVE and being told “I love you” will only create suspicion and pain.. whenever they hear it.

Is this too intense for you? This is the way I was raised.

I grew up feeling exactly the way I was trained too. Unwanted, unloved and worthless.  I would feel extreme anger towards anyone who said they “loved me”, and I attracted abusive relationships.  Illegal drugs became my self-medication, I drank too much and believe it or not I was driven to make money, as much as I could, because no one was going to take care of me, but me. I grew up hungry and starving for all of the basic human needs that most people would deem as the bare necessities.

I have learned that this is the diabolical plan of that,  yes, I am going to say the word, satan, our mortal enemy who hates GOD who is LOVE.  He uses every tool he can manipulate to annihilate and destroy any hope of a normal much less blessed life. He starts when we are still in the womb, with his plans for destruction. And he will make sure he uses the people closest to us and the ones we should be able to trust the most, such as parents, siblings, family and friends, clergy as his weapon of choice, because they do the most effective work. He is a thief who will steal every shred of hope, joy, love, peace, health and future we might have, if at all possible. But there is hope~

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” 

The enemy was accomplishing all he had set out to do in my life, by utterly destroying me. That was until I literally heard God speak to the deepest part of who I am in the middle of the night while I was partying. And there was no reason for Him to take the time to do that for me. He spoke to me in the deepest, darkest, loneliest place of my soul and said,

“You are on the edge and if you take one more step you will go over, but if you turn around, I will help you.”

The edge of what, death, prison, insanity? All I knew is that those words startled me and they were a complete buzz kill, but in a good way.

That happened when I was 22 and doing crystal meth, crank, anything I could get my hands on and up my nose is what I did.  No one reached out to me no parents, friends, relatives, no one cared how I was living or how bad I was hurting, no one but GOD saw me.

And GOD see’s you too~

GOD’s love and mercy reached out to me even while I was not even in my right mind and high on drugs. I had seen enough destruction that I knew it was only a matter of time before I was beyond help. So I clung to His word’s and held Him to it.

But I can tell you that Genesis 50:20 is true:
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good…”

I will continue sharing my truth and the story of how LOVE rescued me throughout the month of February and I hope that it will bring hope and healing to others.

As For Me & Mine~

When our first son was born 23 almost 24 years ago, my plan was to wait until he was five and than go back to work or school. But his sister was born 14 month’s later and after a series of events and a another year went by my husband started working for a company that moved us around every few month’s. That was not too bad until baby number 3 was on her way and we were living in a travel trailer, and at 7 months pregnant we were back on the road again this time from Cupertino CA to Kimball NE. Being that pregnant and having a 3 and 4 year old to care for was exhausting, oh I didn’t mention the two dogs and a cat, yep it was a bit like insanity. Good thing we were able to settle in because baby #3 needed to be born a month early by induced labor, which is no fun at all and worse than the natural progression of giving birth.

The day we arrived in Kimball Nebraska, I told my husband we could not continue to live cramped up in a travel trailer. So we prayed, bought a newspaper, and then counted how much we could spend on a house or even a hotel by the week, we had 300.00.

We needed a miracle.

My husband called the first of two ads we circled and the guy agreed to meet us on Walnut ave just off the main road that ran through the town on the way to Scottsbluff Nebraska.  The house was very easy to find and I loved it as soon as I saw it. It was a cute two bedroom, large backyard and it had a covered front porch and I could see a porch swing and me sipping tea as my babies played.

I wanted this house but I was afraid to ask how much, I worried that the rent plus deposits were going to be way out of our reach. But I couldn’t wait I had to get the agony of not knowing out of the way. And as my husband was chatting it up, if you knew him you would know what I mean, I interrupted his long winded explanation of the work he would be doing at the ethanol plant down the road outside of town, and asked quickly how much it would be to move in. When he said 300.00 and didn’t tack on plus deposits of this or that amount. I almost started crying but I was in shock, so I said alright can we move in now. And another after shock came when he said “yes”.  I looked at my husband and said “give him the money”. I was afraid he would change his mind as I watched my two little kids already running around playing in the fenced in backyard.

We got our miracle and we were home, finally!

I know that was a God intervention because after being there for a few weeks I met another wife of a welder who worked for the same company my husband did and we became great friends and stayed in touch for many years, and she told me how much they were paying and even though I cannot remember exactly how much, I do remember that her weekly room was more than our monthly rent.

I trust God always and have tried to not only live by the following scripture but to teach my five to trust God always and to pray~What it mean’s to me to serve the LORD GOD can be summed up in a few words that are a foundation for me:

Love the LORD Your GOD Completely, With all that I am.

Love others as I love myself

Do unto others as I would have them do unto me

Do not judge others

Forgive so that God will forgive me

Keep the Ten Commandments.

That is it. It really is that simple~

Miracles through the Storm

I really don’t know what to write about today~

I have pieces of lines and observations rambling around inside but nothing fighting to be heard.

Yet here I am once again trying to create from oblivion.

Here are some of my disjointed thoughts~

“I understand why people take sabbaticals”, these words popped into my head as I once again went rushing through yet another busy day, filled with all the must does I have to get done.

After raising five kids, helping others with their children, taking care of our home and business, buying and loosing homes and business and then the crushing blow of watching my husband loose the battle we have been fighting since 2007 with melanoma cancer.  Not to mention fighting with the IRS since 2006 and of course loosing that battle too. I understand the word mental exhaustion at my very core.

But there is nothing to be done except, you wake up and do what you can each day and live to fight another day.

In the Bible, Paul talks about running your race like an athlete, beating your self into shape. I can only hope that I will continue to grow stronger as I continue on this journey.

I don’t like it when people are whiny and maudlin about their circumstances but I understand how someone ends up in that emotional state of being. I try to keep a positive attitude regardless of my personal circumstances and purpose to encourage others and be a glimmer of light that reveals the love of Our Father to those I meet or speak to each day.

I would loose hope if I had not been able to recognize the miracles through the storm’s that threaten to blow our lives apart. God is faithful and I have been a witness to His faithfulness for 27 years. It is the way He reveals His love to each of us who believe, everyday. I know that whatever tomorrow brings, I don’t go it alone.

I am grateful that I have that assurance.

I am not saying that people cannot survive difficult circumstances who are not saved. I am sure they can and in fact I have met and continue to meet many who have.  But do they survive with hope intact, joy filling their hearts, laughter on their lips, and the ever increasing love and compassion for others?  It has not been my experience to meet any who have.

I think without the unconditional love, grace, mercy and peace I receive from a Father who loves me, I would be a cold hard bitter individual who cared about no one or anything except for myself.  And that is exactly the kind of person I don’t want to be.

In order to survive the big storms I have learned to focus on each day and the beauty I find in it, most of the time.

And these verses from Matthew I have clung to since 1993 when I was pregnant with our third baby and there were complications that required her to be born a month early. After praying I came across them and have recited them almost daily at some point.

Matthew 6:25-34

New International Version (NIV)

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

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It really is the little things each day that make the journey bearable

2013-03-16 12.40.43

When all around I only find another reason to lay down and die

A giggle from a child is the spark that lights me up again,

A simple life

Full of simple moments

is worth more than all the gold that the world holds.

I grab the joy I find

In the moments I catch

With my heart

Lifting my Spirit

They quiet my mind.

A Father to the Fatherless~

Dad, Daddy, Pops-

Those names mean little apart from pain to an abused and or abandoned child or an adult that grew up fearing the man called dad.

To one who only knows pain, suffering, and shame associated with those names, they are bitter seeds planted deep in the heart of a child.

And they will bear the fruit of anger, hate and spiteful revenge.

Those seeds turn the tender heart of a child as hard as the stone found within a juicy piece of fruit.

Walls are built high and unyielding to protect them from future pain disguised as love.

Looking through the eyes of our human mind we deduce statistically and  psychologically that yet another hopeless case in the eyes of the wounded.

I am grateful everyday that despite the adults in my life as a child, teenager, and young adult, GOD saw someone worth saving from utter destruction.

It was not hard for me to believe in A GOD of creation, it was hard to believe that, that same GOD cared about me

personally.

I am grateful that was not a requirement, nor was being free from addictions, anger, fear, rebelliousness, hate, abandonment issues, and attachment disorder just to name a few.

 I am grateful to my Father in Heaven who reached out to me at age 23.

During a time when I was not in my right mind

He spoke deep within my heart in words soft and still

 A warning blazed through my mind

Not another line or I would step off the edge of a precipice that I could not physically see.

I knew it was my last chance.

So I agreed to turn away from the only life I had ever known.

Looking back at that time in my life I see how His love was slowly drawing me.

At the time all I knew was that I was not ready to die and yes I did believe.

I am Grateful that LOVE adopted Me.

I call LOVE, Father.

A Father who will never leave me.

A Father who only heals and never wounds.

 Happy Father’s Day to the only Father I have ever known.

Being sensitive to the status quo has never been my strongest trait, I might possibly be lacking that trait all together.

Maybe it was one of those things human dad’s teach their kids and if so then I definitely am defective.

My Father in Heaven has not cautioned me not to rock boats.

The Bible, The Word of God is true!

He is a father to the fatherless, I am proof.

He does put the lonely in families, I am proof of that too.

He does heal the wounded and bind up the broken heart.

 I want others to know their is hope.