Not all Will be Merry & Bright

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Daily I stop

moments turn to

minutes

remembering

those who have said good bye

with tear filled eyes

like mine

who walk in shock

of those they’ve  lost

in a blink of an eye

changed forever

never will it ever

be the same

remembering

a smile

laughter to loud

heart breaking

hugs

no longer being held

wanting

one more

just one

more time

tears fill the night

heart’s scream

why

these are those

who are on my mind

in my prayers

everyone

Who received the diagnosis

phone call

knock on the door

that changed your world

I write words of

glass like slivers

sharp enough

to draw blood

in hope

from my journey

down the road that

convey the truth that

His mercies are new every morning

surrender the pain

to the truth

we were all born to die

I have found this is how

we live now

knowing

those we love

are not lost

they have been set free

from the cage

released from this

shroud of dust

there is peace

in releasing

what should have been

looking back I see

golden threads

in the middle of the storm

sparkle through the darkness

lives are  changed

never to be the same

there is no going back.

painful breath of life

we go on

daily enduring

learning to live

this new awkward

life

from here I see that

while we can

let us

love like crazy

laugh too loudly

living audaciously

Making Memories

for  those we leave

when it is our time to fly.

A life well lived

is the  gift of grief

when we choose to receive.

 

 

 

 

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My love of Poetry

Writing poetry is personal and it is healing. My belief is that it does not have to be great or universal but it certainly should be your own truth. I started writing really bad poetry around the age of twelve. Writing and reading enabled me to work through the trauma, abuse, abandonment and I am forever grateful. And that is why I share what I write.

I love writing poetry for the emotional release and personal revelations it has given me. So the poem I wrote this morning may not be something that speaks to you or that you will even like. But maybe there is one other person who will read it and can relate to the words that I wrote this morning.           Choose to be happy…we can if we try 😉

 

 

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Sunshine

Burns my eyes

Reminds me of

Oh light of mine,

I walk alone in twilight

Escape the past

Distraction does not last

Open eyes reality melts

A deep abyss the past

Release the hold

It has on my soul

From hands gone cold

Burning bright

Sparks of light

Keep me up at night

Remember when’s

once whispered

carried away

on

hallowing winds

Wings of prey

Consume

 my mind

Unheard,

Little lies

We tell ourselves of better times

When all along it was a different song,

hummed along

truth settled

underneath

it’s what we do

To survive

 

Announcing Surprise Give Away!!

Count Down Begins on July 26 and Ends July 27 

For two days you and everyone you know can receive a free ebook copy of my new novel Mattie’s Legacy

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In a Whisper~

 

                                                 A Whisper

                                                     Gentle as a breeze

                                                        More powerful than an Oceans tide

                                                 Devastation screams and the answer comes on the wind

                                                    Mustard Seed Faith

                                                      Changed Everything

                                                              For me

                                                Once bitter and angry

                                                          Unforgiving

                                                I had a right to my Hate

                                                 It drove me day by day

                                                     Into wasted nights

                                                Always ready for a fight

                                             Hopeless Outcast Rejected

                                                      Defined Me

                                             Until I heard the Whisper

                                                 Brush across my Soul

                                                    Flickering sparks

                                        Danced across my broken Spirit

                                              Setting my Heart on Fire

                                               Turning Hate into Love

                                                     Foes into Friends

When

Mercy opened the door

                                   Faith Walked In

                                    So I,

                                          Blind as any Blind Person could Be

                                      Even I could see,

                                     His Light

                               Redeemed Transformed Given New Life

                              Reborn

                                 I Breathe Because of Him

And the Greatest of these is Love~

 

Wrapping up February’s focus on love, I thought about how powerful that four letter word is. And how the meaning and truth of the word love can become twisted and defiled. I really wanted to write an amazing poem and had more of a miss than a hit with doing so. But what I want to impart is so important that I fear the message gets lost in too much explanation. I even thought about how in a court of law the evidence is what matters and I know I’am the evidence. But that is hard for people to grasp  because you would have had to known me and how my life began and where I am now.  My first real understanding of what love meant was after I read 1 Corinthians 13…It blew my mind. I won’t write it all out but here is a paraphrase: Love is Kind, Love is Patient, Love is not Proud, Love is not Rud Love is not Selfish or Self Seeking, Love Forgives, No matter what you do, how much money you have or give if you don’t Love..it means nothing (Wow)  ….Love Faith and Hope and the Greatest of these is Love. This is my favorite chapter in the Bible. I feel like it changed my life. I never really knew love, or how to love before getting that word in my heart.  I can assure you My life is the evidence of God’s amazing Love.

Here is a fun, interesting tangible experiment you can do that will bless you and others too:

The Five Minute Love Miracle:

In 2007 I read about something called the five minute love miracle and it was a pretty simple concept. Set a timer for five minutes and think of feeling love ie…what makes you stirred up with feelings of love? For me, my babies, Grandmother, friends…Get that feeling built up and then if there is a person or situation that is troubling you think of it surrounded with love…you can see a pink or white light as love and then you see you and that person smiling, hugging etc..or the situation resolving in a loving way. I was dealing with a lot of stuff and thought why not give it a try. I started with my teenagers, my husband, even other people and situations..and every time there was a positive outcome.

It Works !

It makes sense to me that practicing the Love Miracle works because GOD is Love and it feels like a more effectual way of practicing the presence of GOD, sort of like a prayer of the imagination.  Try it and see if it helps you to feel a deeper calm and more love too.

Love heals every wound and heartache. Happy end of February …

All My Love To You~~

 

 

Healing the Broken Heart

 

I want to share how GOD was faithful to His word to me..

Remember that I shared in my last post how I heard GOD tell me, He would help me? I know he spoke those exact words to me on purpose so that when the time came when I was desperate and knew I could not change on my own, that I would recall exactly what He said to me.

Several days after I had heard GOD I had already reached that point of desperation.  The nightmares were back with a vengeance,  and so was the insomnia I had struggled with since I was a child. I had learned how to self medicate by taking some form of methamphetamine during the day and using alcohol and marijuana to sleep at night. But since I truly believed that I had to choose life or death after I heard from GOD, I realized that somewhere deep within me, I did want to live even though I had been living for a very long time like I didn’t.

I gave up everything, drugs, alcohol all of it at once and I was dealing with the affect of withdrawing from all of those chemicals. But my problem was not just chemical, mental, and physical withdrawal.  I had been drawn into the occult and new age too and I believe the enemy was fighting to keep me entangled in that world. And his major assault was a war against my mind. I could not sleep. I was afraid and desperate, and literally cried out, “You said you would help me and I need help.” I heard one word in response,

“BIBLE.”

Great I didn’t have one but I lived with my Grandmother so I asked her if she had a Bible and she said yes that it was in her sewing room. I was desperate enough to take on the challenge of digging through boxes of  a great accumulation of fabric, yarn, and stuff until I found a black leather King James Version. I took it to my room. I opened it up to Genesis One and began to read.  Somewhere in those first few chapters I fell a sleep.

Here is a miracle moment.

That was the first time in my life I remember falling asleep without some kind of substance in my system, or waking up all through the night as I did when I was child, filled with fear, or having a nightmare. The first time I actually slept! It was such a small normal thing for most people. But for me, sleep was on the level of miraculous.  I know I didn’t really “get ” what I was reading, I wasn’t memorizing or retaining the importance of the words.  But there is power in the Word and that much I got loud and clear.

The words in Matthew 11:28 are true:

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  

Before GOD could  begin any redemptive work in me,  He showed me that I could trust Him. That is the first thing the enemy destroys and that was the first area of my life GOD restored.  That didn’t mean all my trust issues with people were healed by no means. But I did have a sliver of Faith and I knew what GOD said, He would do.

I was a mess, drugs, anger, self centered ego driven, and I carried a deep hate for myself, steeped in shame. But GOD in his infinite grace lifted me gently step by step, day by day out of the pit I was born into and gave me a hope for a better future. And when I struggled, which I did time and time again, and cried to GOD in frustration and despair that I would never be like the women I met at church, or be good enough, GOD assured me that he was changing me from the inside out. That is where He starts, at the heart of who we are.

Because we are created with a  Spirit, Soul and Body, GOD starts with our spirit,  restores our soul which is our mind and emotions and that in turn affects our body, outward actions and appearance.

It is not by accident that the enemy uses those closest to us, family, friends etc, as tools to exact his plan of destruction upon us while we are young and the most pliable. His first plan of action is to destroy any trust we have in people, and that in turn causes us not to trust those who say they love us or in the emotion described as love. He truly wants us to hate and misunderstand the word love. Why?

Because GOD is LOVE ! There it is ..if you mistrust anyone who says they love you then you will grow up not trusting in a GOD who is LOVE

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The Broken Hearted

 

 

The quickest way to destroy a person is to begin at birth. Reject them completely and make sure they feel and know (mind and emotions) that they are unwanted and unlovable. Then proceed to hammer in those beliefs by verbal, physical and mental abuse. Really set them up by not hugging them, laughing with them or encouraging them in any way. Be sure and hit them in front of other people as often as possible.  Be sure and tear down every dream and hope of being included and any feelings of being good enough. Then of course tell them “I love you”, so they will attribute love and pain as one and the same. Then you can be sure that when they grow up they will attract others who say “I love you” and then physically, mentally, and verbally abuse them as well. Because you have done your job so thoroughly they will learn to hate the word LOVE and being told “I love you” will only create suspicion and pain.. whenever they hear it.

Is this too intense for you? This is the way I was raised.

I grew up feeling exactly the way I was trained too. Unwanted, unloved and worthless.  I would feel extreme anger towards anyone who said they “loved me”, and I attracted abusive relationships.  Illegal drugs became my self-medication, I drank too much and believe it or not I was driven to make money, as much as I could, because no one was going to take care of me, but me. I grew up hungry and starving for all of the basic human needs that most people would deem as the bare necessities.

I have learned that this is the diabolical plan of that,  yes, I am going to say the word, satan, our mortal enemy who hates GOD who is LOVE.  He uses every tool he can manipulate to annihilate and destroy any hope of a normal much less blessed life. He starts when we are still in the womb, with his plans for destruction. And he will make sure he uses the people closest to us and the ones we should be able to trust the most, such as parents, siblings, family and friends, clergy as his weapon of choice, because they do the most effective work. He is a thief who will steal every shred of hope, joy, love, peace, health and future we might have, if at all possible. But there is hope~

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” 

The enemy was accomplishing all he had set out to do in my life, by utterly destroying me. That was until I literally heard God speak to the deepest part of who I am in the middle of the night while I was partying. And there was no reason for Him to take the time to do that for me. He spoke to me in the deepest, darkest, loneliest place of my soul and said,

“You are on the edge and if you take one more step you will go over, but if you turn around, I will help you.”

The edge of what, death, prison, insanity? All I knew is that those words startled me and they were a complete buzz kill, but in a good way.

That happened when I was 22 and doing crystal meth, crank, anything I could get my hands on and up my nose is what I did.  No one reached out to me no parents, friends, relatives, no one cared how I was living or how bad I was hurting, no one but GOD saw me.

And GOD see’s you too~

GOD’s love and mercy reached out to me even while I was not even in my right mind and high on drugs. I had seen enough destruction that I knew it was only a matter of time before I was beyond help. So I clung to His word’s and held Him to it.

But I can tell you that Genesis 50:20 is true:
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good…”

I will continue sharing my truth and the story of how LOVE rescued me throughout the month of February and I hope that it will bring hope and healing to others.