dirt road

Road on dandelion field

 

a
dirt road
surrounded by
onion
hay
muddy
when it rained
loved the smell
on hot summer days

I taste freedom
on my tongue

adventure
promised
weaving
stories among the fields
my fire burning bright
a wanderer at five

on the way
to the blacktop
asphalt
bus stop waiting
small feet escaping
violent hate
murderous words
rape

I love that
dirt road
it was the promise of
a way to escape

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For two days you and everyone you know can receive a free ebook copy of my new novel Mattie’s Legacy

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Mattie's Legacy

 

 

Healing the Broken Heart

 

I want to share how GOD was faithful to His word to me..

Remember that I shared in my last post how I heard GOD tell me, He would help me? I know he spoke those exact words to me on purpose so that when the time came when I was desperate and knew I could not change on my own, that I would recall exactly what He said to me.

Several days after I had heard GOD I had already reached that point of desperation.  The nightmares were back with a vengeance,  and so was the insomnia I had struggled with since I was a child. I had learned how to self medicate by taking some form of methamphetamine during the day and using alcohol and marijuana to sleep at night. But since I truly believed that I had to choose life or death after I heard from GOD, I realized that somewhere deep within me, I did want to live even though I had been living for a very long time like I didn’t.

I gave up everything, drugs, alcohol all of it at once and I was dealing with the affect of withdrawing from all of those chemicals. But my problem was not just chemical, mental, and physical withdrawal.  I had been drawn into the occult and new age too and I believe the enemy was fighting to keep me entangled in that world. And his major assault was a war against my mind. I could not sleep. I was afraid and desperate, and literally cried out, “You said you would help me and I need help.” I heard one word in response,

“BIBLE.”

Great I didn’t have one but I lived with my Grandmother so I asked her if she had a Bible and she said yes that it was in her sewing room. I was desperate enough to take on the challenge of digging through boxes of  a great accumulation of fabric, yarn, and stuff until I found a black leather King James Version. I took it to my room. I opened it up to Genesis One and began to read.  Somewhere in those first few chapters I fell a sleep.

Here is a miracle moment.

That was the first time in my life I remember falling asleep without some kind of substance in my system, or waking up all through the night as I did when I was child, filled with fear, or having a nightmare. The first time I actually slept! It was such a small normal thing for most people. But for me, sleep was on the level of miraculous.  I know I didn’t really “get ” what I was reading, I wasn’t memorizing or retaining the importance of the words.  But there is power in the Word and that much I got loud and clear.

The words in Matthew 11:28 are true:

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  

Before GOD could  begin any redemptive work in me,  He showed me that I could trust Him. That is the first thing the enemy destroys and that was the first area of my life GOD restored.  That didn’t mean all my trust issues with people were healed by no means. But I did have a sliver of Faith and I knew what GOD said, He would do.

I was a mess, drugs, anger, self centered ego driven, and I carried a deep hate for myself, steeped in shame. But GOD in his infinite grace lifted me gently step by step, day by day out of the pit I was born into and gave me a hope for a better future. And when I struggled, which I did time and time again, and cried to GOD in frustration and despair that I would never be like the women I met at church, or be good enough, GOD assured me that he was changing me from the inside out. That is where He starts, at the heart of who we are.

Because we are created with a  Spirit, Soul and Body, GOD starts with our spirit,  restores our soul which is our mind and emotions and that in turn affects our body, outward actions and appearance.

It is not by accident that the enemy uses those closest to us, family, friends etc, as tools to exact his plan of destruction upon us while we are young and the most pliable. His first plan of action is to destroy any trust we have in people, and that in turn causes us not to trust those who say they love us or in the emotion described as love. He truly wants us to hate and misunderstand the word love. Why?

Because GOD is LOVE ! There it is ..if you mistrust anyone who says they love you then you will grow up not trusting in a GOD who is LOVE

..Image result for free to use god is love heart

The Broken Hearted

 

 

The quickest way to destroy a person is to begin at birth. Reject them completely and make sure they feel and know (mind and emotions) that they are unwanted and unlovable. Then proceed to hammer in those beliefs by verbal, physical and mental abuse. Really set them up by not hugging them, laughing with them or encouraging them in any way. Be sure and hit them in front of other people as often as possible.  Be sure and tear down every dream and hope of being included and any feelings of being good enough. Then of course tell them “I love you”, so they will attribute love and pain as one and the same. Then you can be sure that when they grow up they will attract others who say “I love you” and then physically, mentally, and verbally abuse them as well. Because you have done your job so thoroughly they will learn to hate the word LOVE and being told “I love you” will only create suspicion and pain.. whenever they hear it.

Is this too intense for you? This is the way I was raised.

I grew up feeling exactly the way I was trained too. Unwanted, unloved and worthless.  I would feel extreme anger towards anyone who said they “loved me”, and I attracted abusive relationships.  Illegal drugs became my self-medication, I drank too much and believe it or not I was driven to make money, as much as I could, because no one was going to take care of me, but me. I grew up hungry and starving for all of the basic human needs that most people would deem as the bare necessities.

I have learned that this is the diabolical plan of that,  yes, I am going to say the word, satan, our mortal enemy who hates GOD who is LOVE.  He uses every tool he can manipulate to annihilate and destroy any hope of a normal much less blessed life. He starts when we are still in the womb, with his plans for destruction. And he will make sure he uses the people closest to us and the ones we should be able to trust the most, such as parents, siblings, family and friends, clergy as his weapon of choice, because they do the most effective work. He is a thief who will steal every shred of hope, joy, love, peace, health and future we might have, if at all possible. But there is hope~

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” 

The enemy was accomplishing all he had set out to do in my life, by utterly destroying me. That was until I literally heard God speak to the deepest part of who I am in the middle of the night while I was partying. And there was no reason for Him to take the time to do that for me. He spoke to me in the deepest, darkest, loneliest place of my soul and said,

“You are on the edge and if you take one more step you will go over, but if you turn around, I will help you.”

The edge of what, death, prison, insanity? All I knew is that those words startled me and they were a complete buzz kill, but in a good way.

That happened when I was 22 and doing crystal meth, crank, anything I could get my hands on and up my nose is what I did.  No one reached out to me no parents, friends, relatives, no one cared how I was living or how bad I was hurting, no one but GOD saw me.

And GOD see’s you too~

GOD’s love and mercy reached out to me even while I was not even in my right mind and high on drugs. I had seen enough destruction that I knew it was only a matter of time before I was beyond help. So I clung to His word’s and held Him to it.

But I can tell you that Genesis 50:20 is true:
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good…”

I will continue sharing my truth and the story of how LOVE rescued me throughout the month of February and I hope that it will bring hope and healing to others.

An Allegory Story : Children of the King

This is an allegory story I wrote about ten years ago, give or take. I wrote it as a prologue to my someday memoir, with the intention of a child’s viewpoint. I had forgotten about it actually, until going through boxes of material I have moved from state to state, house to house over the years. As I read it to a very dear friend of mine, I thought it is not great but it is not bad either and maybe it might speak to someone in such a way that  it might give them hope and draw them to the Father where all healing can be found.

Now it is written from a female viewpoint but the message is the same for everyone.

An Unfortunate One

Once upon a time there was a sad little girl who lived in an old gray clapboard farm-house way outside of town in the country. The house was surrounded by onion fields and there was only one dirt road that led to and from the house.

He was an awful monster who could change in to a handsome man when he stepped outside but when he came back  in the farm-house he would return to his true  self a giant wart covered monster with ugly tattoo’s all over his scaly skin, he had razor’s for teeth and claws for hands. But even worse than the way he looked was the way he smelled. He smelled of death and long stinky cigars, which were worse than all of the onion fields in all of the world could ever smell. But the very very worst part about Terrible, was  what was hidden underneath his fat ant that was his  snake-like tail that he used to hurt the little girl and many others too.

One night while Terrible was sleeping the little blonde haired, blue-eyed girl tried to sneak past him and escape. But as she opened the door it squeaked on its hinges so loud that it woke him up and his giant claw like hand came down upon her shoulder and dragged her to him and the door slammed shut. Terrible did mean ugly things to the little girl in fact they were so bad that if I told you what he did you would grab your ears and close your eyes screaming,

“No more, don’t tell me those things!”

And then you would blame me for all your nightmares and sleepless nights that you would have for a very long, long time, maybe forever.

When the girl was a few years older she was allowed to sit out on the front porch during a particularly hot day. And while she sat staring  out at the fields of onions dreaming of life far away an old man came walking up the dirt road and when he saw her, he stopped and pushed his hat back on his head and smiled up at her.

“Young maiden might you have a cool drink of water for a tired old man?”

She was afraid Terrible would hear him and make her go back in,  so she nodded yes and went to the side of the house and brought out the water hose to him.

” Aren’t you afraid of  Terrible the monster?” she said very quietly.

“Naw, monster’s don’t scare me.”He said.

The old man’s eyes sparkled and shined, and out of nowhere a beautiful white dove flew down from the darkening sky and rested upon the man’s shoulder.

“Child you must not be afraid either, but do this one thing and pray.”

The girl looked at him and was confused by his words.

“Pray? How do I pray?”

The old man reached up and gently stroked the doves feathers.

“Look inside your heart to start, the words you find there are the ones you say. Then look up above and do not be surprised by what you find.”

The girl was not sure what to think of the old man’s words, and doubted that there would be any words that would her to change her life of fear.

When she put the water hose away and turned around to ask him another question she was mystified to find he was gone. And on the porch step where she had sat, was one white feather. She picked it up and felt sadness press in upon her and the aching desire to fly away and be free like the dove.

That night she thought about what the old man had said as she stared out a dirty bedroom window and looked up at the starry sky. She listened to the quiet night and tried to hear what her heart wanted to say. She pressed her eyes tightly closed and saw herself dressed all in white, her hands were clean and she felt what she could only describe as what being happy must feel like.

Opening her eyes, she looked back up at a star filled night sky and prayed.

“Please help Terrible to not hurt others anymore. Help him to see how mean he can be and how badly he hurts me.”

Pressing her fingers against the window pane she decided to try once more to leave and escape Terrible forever. She pushed hard at the window and opened it just enough for her to crawl out of.  Making her way quietly out into the night, she quickly ran into the onion field instead of going down the road. She hid among the tall swaying stalks in the onion fields and ran through them until she came out the other side.

She walked for a long time until she came to a beautiful little town and feeling tired she found a place to hide behind a store where she curled up behind a large can and slept.

The warm morning sun and happy voices woke her up the next day and she stepped out onto the busy street. She saw a dark-haired boy calling out to all who would listen.

“Hear Ye, Hear Ye, Have you seen this maiden?” He said as he held out a picture for all to see. He stepped in front of folks and asked each one,

“Have you seen her?”

But the people walking by barely looked at the picture as they nodded no, and went on their way.

The young girl was curious about the picture and felt drawn to have a look at it. Slowly she walked toward him hoping no one would notice her as she tried to take a peek.

But he noticed her and turned to her as she tried to look over his shoulder.

“Have you seen her,” He said then he stopped and stared at her.

She looked at him and said,

“May I see her picture?”

He looked hard at her.

“You!”

The girl was afraid and stepped away from him and as she made ready to run he grabbed her arm.

“Wait, it’s you!” He said
“No, that can not be.” She said

She looked at the picture and saw a beautiful girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.

“No, sir you are mistaken, she is not me.”

He smiled wide and said,

“Oh, but it is you! You are the Maiden , the Kings daughter. You were lost but now you are found. You were thought Dead but you Live. Than he grabbed her hand and said,

“We must let the King know at once.”

The beautiful young man was one of the Kings own son’s who had been sent to find all of the Kings Children that Terrible and Monsters like him were keeping captive. They were once trusted children of the King too but turned away from Him, in hopes of being Him. But they became horrible monsters of what could have been.

In the Kingdom the Maiden was cleansed and healed with showers of mercy and grace. Bathing in rivers of love and dressed in white robes. Just as she had seen when she closed her eyes and tried to find what her heart had always known, to believe and not be afraid and to pray for Terrible was the key that set her free.

Now all of the gray clouds in the world could no longer hide the blue skies.

A sky as blue as the color of her own eyes.