What Do I Really Want?

I follow the writer of the book Atomic Habits James Clear on Instagram because his posts are interesting and thought provoking. His recent post stated that at one time and for awhile every morning he would write “What Do I Really Want?” at the top of a piece of paper and then write, and it helped him to identify what he really wanted and to take action steps to make it happen. So I thought I would give it a try and see what would come up. This question has actually come up a lot over the last several years since my husband succumbed to cancer and my children have grown up and moved into their adult lives, leaving me to figure out the what now question. Mine took a bit of a turn. And since I am a big fan of over sharing I thought I would share it here. I may do this for a few days or a week or not. I’m all about consistency. I am consistently inconsistent.

Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

___ What I really want is a clean well organized home, mind, body and spirit. I want freedom from other peoples bias judgements, I want to be free from dogma, free to be me-Freedom of emotion and thought — Free from judgement, freedom from the past, mistakes, bad decisions I can not change, free of the consequences of other peoples choices and there affect on me, on my life. I want to be seen for who I am. Really who I am. Not other peoples idea of who I am a one dimensional version, a characterization of an aspect that could never explain who I am. I am a person who cares deeply about others, empathetic, and selfless to the point that asking what do I really want causes me pain. Surprisingly ! I feel an ache in my sternum and realize that asking this question and feeling this deep physical ache is a conditioning of my childhood that says, ” What right do I have to want anything? I hear a voice, a familiar voice from the grave say, “Who do you think you are, to think you deserve more ?” And then I realize that voice does not understand it was never about things like clothes, cars or material stuff that I really wanted. I wanted the intangible and I still want it — peace, joy, strength, resilience, forgiveness, freedom, love. Love. To be loved, to be wanted. The unconditional agape love – Not the romantic, physical or obligatory that says we are related so yeah I love you. But the kind of love that is not based on what a person does or does not do and is not conditional. I think deep down below the noise of social media, television, celebrities, etc… I believe this is the great human need. To be really and purely loved. To be accepted loved for no other reason than you are alive and you are loved. _________________________

I hope you feel accepted and loved.

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