This is going to be a little longer than my usual posts but I hope you will read it and be blessed by it.
If you know someone who has lived with the pain of not knowing a parent because of adoption, or other circumstances, they might find this post of interest. If you work with children I am sure there are those who come from backgrounds similar to what mine was and with that in mind I hope to encourage others to look beyond a child’s smile and see their heart and need for unconditional love and acceptance. I hope to create sensitive compassion for children by sharing parts of my journey.
I told myself growing up that not knowing my birth father was not important, that it didn’t matter to me. I had too many other real problems to concern myself with and if he didn’t want me, that was probably a good thing. Because my parent lottery was less than ideal, especially in the step parent department.
But while growing up I was also being ridiculed for being different, I was too serious, too quiet, too studious, too smart, my personality an extreme opposite of those I lived with. And the way I looked and the fact that I was illegitimate (they used a different word) and didn’t know who my dad was, were all weapons formed against. And whether I wanted to admit it or not it affected me deeply. And it also affected how I thought and felt about myself. And when I got older I would secretly look for my dad and hope that he would look for me and find me someday.
I thought the constant ache I felt right underneath my rib cage, was a part of me, it had always been there. I also thought it was caused by all that I had went through growing up and into adulthood.
As a child I was abused on every level physical, mental, sexual, emotional and spiritual and as a teenager I struggled with drugs, and alcohol, that I used to deaden the pain.
But praise God I know the freedom of being healed and set free from those bondage’s. When you have been wounded physically, mentally and spiritually, doctors, drugs and people cannot heal you. They can give you a band aid in the form of a prescription or talk therapy to relieve the pain and pressure, but it will not heal you. That is why so many people who try to work through their pain on their own, eventually hurt others and their selves even more.
Only the one who made you can heal you.
I know the freedom of forgiving the unforgivable. And that setting boundaries in my life enabled me to live a healthy and fairly normal life through the grace and mercy of God. This was God at work in me and I thought the work was finished.
Because even during the grief of watching my husband succumb to the ravages of cancer and losing the father of my children after 27 years of marriage,I did not lose hope and I trusted God through it all. And I was aware of God’s presence, peace and provision through the darkest days and nights before he went home to heaven. Some people may think God didn’t answer our prayers but I know that He did, I know that my husband is not in pain and he is rejoicing with the angels.
But I believe what GOD did in my life recently was His finishing touch, it was the last piece of putting the broken pieces of me back together. And I think it was the last piece because it was the first and the deepest of wounds in me.
The truth is that I was unwanted, and an accident. I was put up for adoption by my sixteen year old mother, who changed her mind. And I was abandoned by my dad when she told him that she was pregnant, before I was born. I believe that rejection and abandonment caused deep spiritual wounds in me. I lived my life like a person who is missing a part of their body and has to learn to adapt to the missing part of who they are. That is what I did, I adapted to what I could not change and learned to live an outwardly normal life. But the ache of missing what should have been a part of my life remained a part of me.
I carried a grieving sadness and a spiritual ache for so long I didn’t even know what the source of it was or when it had begun. It had always been with me like a birth defect. Whenever I was alone cooking, driving my car, or anytime it was just me, I would feel a wave of sadness engulf me, sweep me up and down and leave me in a mess of tears.
There was no way I would tell anyone about it. I would have been mortified to even try to express the depth of the sadness I felt at those times. I couldn’t understand why it still was happening to me. I knew that I felt so grateful for all God had done in my life, and if a situation didn’t glorify Him, I didn’t want to talk about it.
But I feel like I can and should open up and share how I carried this thorn in my flesh for my entire life. A pain that was buried so deep and I had become so adept at living with, that no one could tell how much I was hurting. And I refused to be a statistic! I refused to allow the circumstances I could not change, to change me, but it had changed me, profoundly. It was not easy and I could not overcome any of it on my own, I know God enabled me to live with my circumstances, His Grace was sufficient for me.
That was until a few weeks ago when this amazing, unexpected thing happened and it opened my heart, and mind while healing the deepest of wounds I carried inside.
Around the first of March I was writing in my journal and talking to God about how someday I would have to explain to my grandson that I don’t know my dad, his family or where they are much less who they are. And it made me sad as I remembered the confused look’s on my children’s faces as they each one realized “mom doesn’t have a dad.” I wasn’t praying to find my dad, I was just opening my heart to my GOD and expressing my feelings.
GOD was listening:
Two weeks later as I was editing my manuscript and feeling a little proud of myself for not turning on my computer and getting on line, which I should call turning on the black hole for my mind.
I felt the Lord lay on my heart exactly how I should look for my birth father, my dad, online.
It was like a download from God.
So, I finished the chapter and set the manuscript aside, turned on my computer and then typed in exactly what God laid on my heart….
…Seconds later an obituary popped up. With a picture of a man in Air Force fatigues. And even though I have never met him or seen him before, he seemed familiar to me.
I didn’t read pass the first few sentences when the reality hit me…this is really my dad.
The man I have wondered about, thought about, dreamed about for 52 years. I was finally seeing a clear picture of him. I felt this release of emotions and tears, mixed with the pain and hurt of not knowing, flood through me and out of me, it was cathartic to my very core.
The next morning I woke up at 4am and realized that the constant sadness, the hole in my soul that I had lived with my entire life was gone.
I was whole.
It is true that I will never meet him here on this side of heaven but I have all I ever needed by being able to say I know who is, where he was from and what his birthday is.
This is a miracle! I had to share this GOD story with you and I pray it blesses everyone who reads it.
And for anyone who is living with a deep spiritual wound I pray you are healed and made whole. If you are searching for someone, don’t give up, keeping praying and trust God that when the time is right He will make a way. And when you find the one you are looking for, I encourage you to reach out to any family members because they deserve to know the truth too. What they do with it is their business but give them the benefit of choice, we all deserve that.
Isn’t GOD Amazing~~~