I want to share how GOD was faithful to His word to me..
Remember that I shared in my last post how I heard GOD tell me, He would help me? I know he spoke those exact words to me on purpose so that when the time came when I was desperate and knew I could not change on my own, that I would recall exactly what He said to me.
Several days after I had heard GOD I had already reached that point of desperation. The nightmares were back with a vengeance, and so was the insomnia I had struggled with since I was a child. I had learned how to self medicate by taking some form of methamphetamine during the day and using alcohol and marijuana to sleep at night. But since I truly believed that I had to choose life or death after I heard from GOD, I realized that somewhere deep within me, I did want to live even though I had been living for a very long time like I didn’t.
I gave up everything, drugs, alcohol all of it at once and I was dealing with the affect of withdrawing from all of those chemicals. But my problem was not just chemical, mental, and physical withdrawal. I had been drawn into the occult and new age too and I believe the enemy was fighting to keep me entangled in that world. And his major assault was a war against my mind. I could not sleep. I was afraid and desperate, and literally cried out, “You said you would help me and I need help.” I heard one word in response,
Great I didn’t have one but I lived with my Grandmother so I asked her if she had a Bible and she said yes that it was in her sewing room. I was desperate enough to take on the challenge of digging through boxes of a great accumulation of fabric, yarn, and stuff until I found a black leather King James Version. I took it to my room. I opened it up to Genesis One and began to read. Somewhere in those first few chapters I fell a sleep.
Here is a miracle moment.
That was the first time in my life I remember falling asleep without some kind of substance in my system, or waking up all through the night as I did when I was child, filled with fear, or having a nightmare. The first time I actually slept! It was such a small normal thing for most people. But for me, sleep was on the level of miraculous. I know I didn’t really “get ” what I was reading, I wasn’t memorizing or retaining the importance of the words. But there is power in the Word and that much I got loud and clear.
The words in Matthew 11:28 are true:
Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.
Before GOD could begin any redemptive work in me, He showed me that I could trust Him. That is the first thing the enemy destroys and that was the first area of my life GOD restored. That didn’t mean all my trust issues with people were healed by no means. But I did have a sliver of Faith and I knew what GOD said, He would do.
I was a mess, drugs, anger, self centered ego driven, and I carried a deep hate for myself, steeped in shame. But GOD in his infinite grace lifted me gently step by step, day by day out of the pit I was born into and gave me a hope for a better future. And when I struggled, which I did time and time again, and cried to GOD in frustration and despair that I would never be like the women I met at church, or be good enough, GOD assured me that he was changing me from the inside out. That is where He starts, at the heart of who we are.
Because we are created with a Spirit, Soul and Body, GOD starts with our spirit, restores our soul which is our mind and emotions and that in turn affects our body, outward actions and appearance.
It is not by accident that the enemy uses those closest to us, family, friends etc, as tools to exact his plan of destruction upon us while we are young and the most pliable. His first plan of action is to destroy any trust we have in people, and that in turn causes us not to trust those who say they love us or in the emotion described as love. He truly wants us to hate and misunderstand the word love. Why?
Because GOD is LOVE ! There it is ..if you mistrust anyone who says they love you then you will grow up not trusting in a GOD who is LOVE