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Easter Sunday~Writers of Kern Blog Challenge #4

Two of my favorite holidays are Christmas and Easter. Before I had the children they were important days because of my faith in Christ Jesus but after having them, they added a whole new dimension to the joy and excitement of these two special holidays. I never dreaded the buying of gifts or filling endless baskets with endless plastic grass that I would have to clean up for the next month after Easter. That has been true for 23 years. That is until this past year.

Getting home from UCLA Orthopedic hospital on the Friday before Easter Sunday after spending two weeks there, I was in a frenzy on Saturday morning to buy Easter cloths for my two younger kids still at home and my grandson Jude Liam’s first outfit and Easter basket. I did this with the growing knot in my gut of knowing that I was trying to keep routines in place, in an effort to not come completely undone. We wouldn’t be sitting in church together as a family this Easter. We wouldn’t be at a park having a picnic or flying kites and eating cake shaped like a pink bunny. But this was not the time to grieve, or as my Gram would have said, wallo’er around in it, this was the time to get busy and stay that way. That was her cure for everything out of one’s control “clean something”. And I heard her word’s over and over “this to shall pass”, when I was seventeen I didn’t believe her now at fifty I know she was full of wisdom and years, I listen better now. I stayed in fast forward all that day.

Early Sunday morning I had everyone up early, and in the car for the drive to see their Dad for the first time since leaving Bakersfield. Dennis was moved on Saturday from UCLA to a convalescent hospital in Santa Clarita for rehabilitation. I had no idea what to expect but I know it was not what I saw. I won’t go into the details of just how horrified our kids were at seeing the place their Dad was in and all I could think was I have got to get him out of here as fast as I can.  We had brought a bunny cake that no one enjoyed and our youngest daughter who is fifteen thought of a cool game with hollowed out eggs that she put a special message in on tiny pieces of paper. Everyone played along, but the joy was gone. Easter day was over. That night back at home I felt like I was in some sort of state of shock. I felt distant and removed and all I kept thinking is that he would never leave me in a place like that.

Monday morning after getting everyone to school and work I was on the phone. I felt a little like me again, phone in one hand, walking around with a baby on my hip and getting things taken care of, I was moving forward. I went back to the hospital on Friday and brought my husband home to the shock and dismay of doctors and everyone else. I would take care of him myself and I have been. Besides after having and raising five “strong willed children” he is a piece of cake, and a piece of pie.

That Easter evening I did the one thing I usually do when confused, happy, sad or any other emotion I am in, I wrote a poem. It may not be something everyone will connect with but this is my private thoughts going public, and that scares me more than anyone will ever know.

In His Name:

When life crashes in

Breaking fragile existance

Your name I scream.

When sweet the moments be,

overshadow me

Your name I sing.

When in a day minutes trickle by

Like a slow moving steam

Your name I whisper

When I can’t find my way,

Blindly grasp at the edges of night

Your name I cry.

When grief rips me wide

Leaving emotions numb,

Your name I seek to find.

When my mind is splintered

Unable to think caught up

Wrapped up in unspeakable pain

The name above every name

Calls my name.

On last thing, speaking of names, I really enjoyed reading everyone’s comments regarding to pen or not to pen and I think after all is said and done I will use my current name “Iola Reneau”. I looked up Iola and it is Welsh and means Valued of the Lord. That is cool, so I guess I will keep saying it really slow so others will not think I am speaking a foreign language when I tell them my name.

Happy Saturday to everyone.

6 thoughts on “Easter Sunday~Writers of Kern Blog Challenge #4

  1. Iola, what a refreshing page to read this morning. I have been in those rehab centers and always felt uneasy. Glad you have your guy at home. Poetry fills a lot of grooves in our souls, so some like to publish and some do not. Some years ago I stumbled across a wonderful poet on Yahoo. She did not know how good she is, but she liked that I read her work. So, thanks for sharing this with us. I enjoy writing poetry and it is meant for an audience of one. I share it but the only one I mean to please is me. Some feelings can’t be expressed except in poetry. I like the message of your poem, TR

  2. Iola,
    I think it’s great you found your name means something so special.

    My heart is sad when I think of how terrible your Easter was, even though you all tried to make it normal. I’m glad you brought your husband back home.

    Your poem was beautiful, it gave me a lump in my throat. Such raw emotion and so beautiful at the same time. Thanks for being bold and sharing with us. 🙂

    Joan

  3. I don’t have all the background of your situation but you sound like a very strong lady. Good for you! That said, poetry is a great channel for emotion. I liked your poem and hope it provided the release I’ve found poetry often gives me. 🙂

  4. Poetry and emotion are very strongly linked for me. I do write poetry often. And the best stuff seems to be the ones that come from an emotional geyser.

  5. Beautiful poem! I totally understand trying to be normal or retain order just to keep your sanity. My mother died a few days before Mother’s day. It was hard to enjoy my children. But you get through and it gets better.

  6. Iola, I read these last two posts out of order, but I must say: no wonder your children are so strong. Look at their mother! Loved the poem, too, and that you’ve decided on your own name rather than a pen name. xoA

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